Deja-vu

Sometimes it feels like I am not real,
my body doesn’t exist.
Nor is this world.
It feels like everything is illusion.
As if I am in a flashback mode,
and my eyes are like a projector
projecting nostalgia.

 

What’s up and What’s next!

So I have passed two more papers of ACCA by the grace of God. Job is going pretty good. The schedules are hectic as ever. God has helped me and I am one step closer towards my dream. I know He will help me for sure and do whatever is in best interest.

Though I can spare 10 mins everyday to write a blog post, actually it takes even less but is it worth it. Am I interested to log my life? Maybe. Are people interested to read these going-nowhere blog posts ? I don’t think so. This is the reason I don’t feel motivated enough to type it all. I am pondering over idea to restart my HOPE blog on daily basis and abadndon this or maybe update both of them. What do you thing?

Until next time, ciao!

 

I am Back

Asma thinks that I am dead because I am not updating my blog and Dehog is now sick of listening to my topis of updating the blog time and again.

So here I am writing back to my wonderful readers

I wanted to say so much since the last blog post and it would have been a long post to write but the irony is that I have forgotten everything that I wished to write except some things:

1. Karachi University isn’t suitable place to give any exams whatsoever. They have very bad exam administration which can even resort to casual swearing. The chairs are made of wooden carton boxes. Tables are dented and filthy. Dust is in abundance and the tents can fall any time. Thank God my exams are over there. See you next year UOK/KU.

2. My ACCA exams were okay and now I am in fear of my results. Prayers wanted. I need to pass these two papers.

3. I have finally started my first job. Lets hope there is wide scope to learn and do a lot of work. Life is hectic but I guess I will cope up.

4. Sometimes I feel I am suffering from bi-polar syndrome, but the real problem is I am highly optimistic and moderately realistic.

5. Though we think life isn’t going our way but still it is better than of many others so always be thankful.

6. Does being thankful mean that stop being ambitious?

7. Isn’t life all about taking chances.. if they are intelligent chances.. YES!!

8. I have dream. I want this rather I wish it. God will help. HE will do whatever is in my best interest. I so believe in this

I guess this is enough for today.

 

I am FAT again and it is putting a very negative toll over my body, health and clothes. And now I am worried. I am worried about everything. My weight, my exams, my career and everything. I am completely messed up, ALL BECAUSE OF ME!!!

I won’t be saying anything about EMERGENCY because Pakistan has been in the state of emergency since 1947. Our leaders haven’t done much. Democracy has failed numerous times. Tailored Democracy will be better. Musharraf has done pretty good for Pakistan and also done a lot of bad by taking decisions at the wrong time - pretty late. He goes into extreme sides. He needs to get into moderation. He can do a lot if he wants to. He Don’t compromise on Defense but you can still lower that fact, discipline the media because it has created anormous confusion on political and religious grounds, just kill the bloody mullahs, invest more on education and health which masses need and it is the only way you can ensure future growth.

God bless!

 

13 August

Today is my
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

and I celebrated it by buying two awesome expensive shirts, eating pizza and cake and by receiving a lot of love and warmth.

Now it is time to payback.

 

Reasoning the NO

I guess I should start saying NO from now. There is no point of over-committing yourself.

Why people should say No? There can be major two reasons. Lack of time or lack of skills. If you don’t have time, you would just keep on delaying the person’s work. If you don’t have skills, the person’s work wouldn’t come up with a good quality. Then there is another dilemma. When people ask for help, one should help. But the fact is if you will say NO, they will surely find some other person.

The problem with me is just the opposite. If I don’t have time or energy, still I will do that for them. Sacrificing the things which are more important. Even giving that help is also important for me but then as I said they will find someone else.

So I have bought a new diary to organize myself. And I would learn the old forsaken lesson again. Start saying NO when you know that you have to say NO.

 

I want to relive those moments again. Missing it so much.

Recently, I attended a residential youth convention. What fun it was. First time away from home and family, though it was only 6 days but it felt like lifetime, both to my parents and ofcourse me. When I came home, everything felt new and different. We learnt so much, we had so much fun, made a lot of good friends, ate great food and we danced a lot. Learned so much about life in such a short span. Lots of realizations. Learning about different issues and meeting people from diverse cultures was so intellectually satisfying. Also got to know what improvements I need in my personality. We had three people who were deaf and dumb. It was so much fun learning sign language from them and interacting with them. They are just like us, little different in a special way and they are so graceful and sometimes so naughty =p. Great experience. I am missing everything about that place.

I want to relive the whole experience. Even small things. I want to pack, unpack and repack my bag, get irritated of my roommate’s habit, get emotional at last day and DANCE again.

I am missing everyone so much.

Can I shed a tear or two? Please?!

 

I don’t know why people like to boast about themselves. Specially when it comes to money or the superficial status. The class doesn’t come with the brands you flaunt, the car you drive or by the area where you live with fake masks. It comes with your mind, your intelligence, your personality, your opinions, your mindset and YOUR MANNERS and ethics.

I am not saying money, isn’t important but it is not everything. Not worthy enough to go all mad and ugly over it.

We are becoming everything but what we actually mean to be, humans!

The way we this world is going ahead and the way we are shaping it and ourselves utterly makes me depressed.

 

Complexity Within!

I know I am deeply blessed by God.

I am kind of wild and loud type of person, do things which people feel weird but which are deeply satisfying and important to me as a person. Individualist and creative people are never understood. The problem is that they don’t care about what society thinks, a big problem for society because they ride over unnecassary social laws. I push my limits so I can extend my boundaries. I can fit in easily but still I can’t fit in. People still consider me alien or atleast not a usual person. I know I am not like others and that is what makes me special and I really cherish that but I hate it when people point out my weaknesses which aren’t that important to be discussed, they are not weaknesses, just a different perspective. I talk aloud, mark my mark and leave people making them think too much. Proud to people, very humble inside and in this mix gets ignored at most of the places. Everybody wants appreciation for their contribution and its okay and its not a proud freak stuff. Very much modern and liberal, but oldfashioned where I need to be. Actually that is what people say is oldfashion but in reality it isn’t. I follow MTV but don’t get brainwashed. I am one hell of a complicated person who loves to learn and has a childlike enthusiasm. Gets bored with things easily but not relationships. What to learn everything he finds exciting. Excited by the choice but a victim of choice too. What to do and what not to do when you want to do everything you can do.

With such personality, you know people will bitch and it’s alright completely, still it hurts. I am becoming socially unsocial. Internet and ACCA(because we don’t study as normal people do and we have no campus life whatsoeva!) has even made it worse. I am becoming isolated. I am at the extreme vulnerability of becoming a depressed individual.

And this complex person wants to reach the perfection that humans can achieve not Godly perfection but humanely yes! I guess much is expected from me. It has always been like you should be come first. Spotlight should be on your humble soul.

I have lost my mind in search in this thinking cum worrying process. I worry alot about the future. Planning is okay but I am pushing it too far I guess.

I know you wouldn’t understand much of it. Not even if you read between the lines. I also have to read it again and comprehend.

 

My first school which was in my neighborhood, my principal’s mom who was called Mummy by my mom and Nani Maa by me passed away. She was such a nice and loving lady. She would always remember my family, sending gifts and sweets on occasions and otherwise, and the unconditional love. All the success I have had as an student is because of prayers of these people in the family, especially her. I wish I could have attended the funeral. May her soul rest in eternal peace.(Amen).

Nani Maa, we all will miss you but I know that your prayers are always with me. Thanks for everything. Love you and Miss you!