bye bye worries, fears, apprehensions

Everyone here and there and everywhere asks me the same old question: “How are you?” and I always say something like “I am fine” but it isn’t true every time. This is something very personal but again I can’t lend an ear from anyone to discuss this nor I can write it somewhere else except my dear blog and if someone reads this, it is not a big deal for me because I think there exists nothing as so-called secret personal blogs.

So back to the problem. These days I am having some bad mood swings. I don’t feel good, high or peaceful any more, the reason is I worry a lot… Let me write this, a lot here is an underrated word. I worry over trivial things and important things and everything in between. My imagination takes me on a ride of past and future, where all I can see is grief and contempt. And then dust of worries settles in my head for never-ending days and till now you should have guessed that I am still worrying. The thing is, I can’t live in present and every fiber of my being regrets it in every nanosecond of the day. I worry a whole heap about what people think/say about me?! I want to be perfect; I know no one is perfect rather I want to look perfect in the eyes of others – all good and all nice. I want a break! Seriously I need the damn help, not from outside but from inside.

From now on, I have to understand that there is no use of crying over split milk and there is no use of fearing over the unpredictable. I hope I can achieve this, I hope my mind get some rest, little peace can surround it. I know God is with me, maybe I am not completely drawn towards him. Perhaps it’s the stronger faith which can guide me to pass the river of this ordeal. Wrinkles only go, where the smiles have been.

PS: These apprehensions have gave me a disgusting gift – bad memory. Most of the times those worries take over my mind and the more I want to forget them, the more it gets stuck – the more you focus, the more things expand. Today I was so much involved in this guilt and gloom that I saw a dream where I am just forgetting the things (a hidden desire of mine to forget these worries). Then I felt that I am forgetting these things because I am getting old, but I am only soon-to-be-19. These dreams motivated me to take this step that I don’t want this entire nuisance any more.

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