Complexity Within!

I know I am deeply blessed by God.

I am kind of wild and loud type of person, do things which people feel weird but which are deeply satisfying and important to me as a person. Individualist and creative people are never understood. The problem is that they don’t care about what society thinks, a big problem for society because they ride over unnecassary social laws. I push my limits so I can extend my boundaries. I can fit in easily but still I can’t fit in. People still consider me alien or atleast not a usual person. I know I am not like others and that is what makes me special and I really cherish that but I hate it when people point out my weaknesses which aren’t that important to be discussed, they are not weaknesses, just a different perspective. I talk aloud, mark my mark and leave people making them think too much. Proud to people, very humble inside and in this mix gets ignored at most of the places. Everybody wants appreciation for their contribution and its okay and its not a proud freak stuff. Very much modern and liberal, but oldfashioned where I need to be. Actually that is what people say is oldfashion but in reality it isn’t. I follow MTV but don’t get brainwashed. I am one hell of a complicated person who loves to learn and has a childlike enthusiasm. Gets bored with things easily but not relationships. What to learn everything he finds exciting. Excited by the choice but a victim of choice too. What to do and what not to do when you want to do everything you can do.

With such personality, you know people will bitch and it’s alright completely, still it hurts. I am becoming socially unsocial. Internet and ACCA(because we don’t study as normal people do and we have no campus life whatsoeva!) has even made it worse. I am becoming isolated. I am at the extreme vulnerability of becoming a depressed individual.

And this complex person wants to reach the perfection that humans can achieve not Godly perfection but humanely yes! I guess much is expected from me. It has always been like you should be come first. Spotlight should be on your humble soul.

I have lost my mind in search in this thinking cum worrying process. I worry alot about the future. Planning is okay but I am pushing it too far I guess.

I know you wouldn’t understand much of it. Not even if you read between the lines. I also have to read it again and comprehend.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. AsianSmiles
    Mar 27, 2007 @ 07:55:32

    Dear Raheel… you’ve written it so well. I think I do understand what you are feeling when you wrote this post.

    It’s ok.. you’re perfectly ok to feel “imperfect”. It’s ok to feel that “you don’t fit in” no matter how sociable you are. It’s ok to push yourself to the limit and surpass the standards that others impose upon you and the society. It’s ok to hash your mind why or how or when these feelings started and when it would end.

    The truth is, it will never end. A person as thoughtful and sensitive as you will always find some time for a reality check, to count your blessings and enrich your spirit. The good thing about it, is that you learn more about yourself whenever you do some reality checks every now and then. And you will understand yourself more in the process.

    Ultimately, you learn to love yourself much deeper each time. And that’s more important than anything else. Because you cannot give love if you don’t have “love”. You got to learn to love yourself first before you can love others. No if’s no but’s.

    There will always be times like this Raheel, be prepared and always welcome it. And in each process, don’t ever forget that you are growing and learning, you are living and you are loving (*winks*). Don’t forget to take care of yourself and everybody around you, don’t forget that you are intelligent and smart. And most importantly, don’t forget that you ARE a good person. Don’t ever forget that…

    *smiles*

  2. Raheel
    Mar 27, 2007 @ 09:55:25

    Thank you so much for this detailed response. It helped alot and will continue to do so. *hugs*

  3. Asma
    Apr 02, 2007 @ 01:32:02

    God I was reading first line as
    I’m blessed by a baby girl – lolz

    should run for a nap now :>

  4. Raheel
    Apr 03, 2007 @ 16:51:14

    *faints*

    screams to Asma, now I need a nap =p

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